How to Pass for a Swiss Person, Part I, Section 2: Appearance for Women

Women, here is your guide to looking like a proper Swiss person. First and foremost, think extreme in all cases. Don’t do anything by halves, or you’re only making half of a statement. Let’s start with shoes. *Always* wear heels, and make sure that they’re very, very pointy. Your heels should be at least 3 inches high, even if you’re wearing jeans or capris. The pointy part of the shoe should evoke thoughts of the Wicked Witch of the West. If you can easily walk in them, then the heels aren’t high enough and the toes aren’t pointy enough. You can go for an ankle strap or no ankle strap, whatever suits your fancy, but make sure that the shoes are very colorful. Fuschia, yellow, silver, lavender, any color is fine, as long as it will only match one or two items in your wardrobe. Flip flops are for Americans and slobs.

If you’re going to wear low-rise pants, make sure that they’re low enough to rival the plumber, and that they highlight the exposed rear cleavage with underwear that hangs out the top. If not low-rise, then please be sure that your pants at least go up to your natural waist, if not higher. Cuffing your jeans is absolutely acceptable. Do you prefer skirts? The flouncier and more floral, the better. Shirts should be worn off the shoulder, 80s-style, so that your shoulder-length earrings won’t interfere with your neckline.

Going to get a haircut? Ask for a femme-mullet, or a something long and shaggy, or if you want to be surprised, just ask for the most junior trainee at SuperCuts, tell them to knock themselves out, and that should be about right. Please don’t get your highlights and dye jobs touched up; it is much better to leave them as they grow, so that you can have two-tone hair. See note in the Men’s section (last week) regarding smoking. Everyone does it, and it gives your skin that nice 14-going-on-40 look to it, which you can then build on with matte foundation and heavy eye makeup.

Also, please note that all men should have at least one visible tattoo or piercing, and all women should have at least one visible tattoo or piercing, in addition to normal earrings.